I’ve been following God’s command to me to stop talking and listen. But today He has inspired me to write.
I listened to, among other things, myself grumbling about reading parts of the Bible I don’t like.
“I don’t like King David,” I confessed out loud. “He’s a rapist, a murderer, a horrible person. I don’t like reading his endless lamentations in the Psalms. I don’t want to hear about it. I feel like I want to say, ‘You made your bed, now lie in it. But don’t make me listen to your regret.'”
I listened to myself saying that and thought of my own many sins which have been forgiven by God. I thought about God’s grace, His love, which is unearned and undeserved. I have never fully come to terms with the truth of His forgiveness of my sins. I’ve been overjoyed at His forgiveness of others’ sins, but I never really wanted to think about His forgiveness of my sins. I felt unworthy, which I am.
I imagined God repeating my own words back to me: “You made your own bed, now lie in it,” and bowed my head in tearful prayer thanking Him for His forgiveness.
I realized I cannot love myself until I can forgive myself. And I can’t truly love anyone else, including God, until I can forgive myself. And King David. And others who may have done bad things in this world. Until I can love King David, I am not truly able to love others as God loves me.
I need to be able to forgive in order to shine with the light of God’s love.
I’m listening, God. I’m listening.
Help me, Holy Father, to become the person You need me to be. I can’t do it alone.