Forgiveness is harder for me than I want it to be. At least sometimes it is. I wish that weren’t true, and I know I need to get better at it. Jesus tells us to forgive others in so many ways I don’t even want to pick one of them to quote here. It’s clearly something I need to learn to do.
It’s funny … because most of the time I really don’t hold grudges at all. But
… unfortunately … I really do. I can’t even predict which things will be hard for me to forgive. It’s not just a matter of how big or small a thing it is. I don’t know what makes the difference.
Yes, there are some BIG things that I know I need to forgive — and maybe even need to seek some Christian counseling to help me do that, truth be told.
But then there are also the dumb little things – that shouldn’t even be a “thing” at all.
Like almost ten years ago when the son of a friend of mine accused me of using “his” money to repay my student loans, because I was working at a public school which did, in fact, pay me out of taxpayer dollars. This barely-more-than-a-kid very angrily and publicly condemned me for not only “living off taxpayer dollars” but also very heatedly accused me of using “his” hard earned money (the taxes he pays) to repay my own student loans. Like I was some kind of a leech (or a thief) who was mooching off of “taxpayers.” When I reminded him that I do work for my wages and I too pay taxes, his only response was, “Yeah, so MY money pays your taxes too.”
Okay — so that was hurtful to me. But it was a heated moment, and he was still a pretty young adult at the time. I don’t know WHY I can’t seem to let go of that … and I certainly do behave cordially toward him when I see him. Heck, I’ve known him since he was a middle school kid – and his Mom was my best friend back then. But I can’t let go of the fact that what he said was so hurtful to me.
Now that’s just DUMB. I’m ashamed that I haven’t forgiven him long ago — and have no idea why I have such a hard time forgiving and forgetting that youthful angry condemnation of my life and work. This happened nearly ten years ago.
I mean … I gratefully accept God’s forgiveness for any and all of my own sins … but I can’t extend that same forgiveness to my best friend’s son over a few heated remarks? What kind of a jerk am I? (I think the technical term here is, “sinner.”)
God, I’m definitely going to need Your help here. Please help me be more forgiving when I find that hard. I genuinely want to be a more forgiving person. My heart just isn’t doing what my head wants it to. Yet. I will keep working on that. Please help me become the person You have told me to be.