I think about God all the time. I know God is with me all the time. I believe God is with me all the time. And yet I still keep experiencing an intense longing to be even closer to Him.
I think where I get into trouble is when grown-up worldly me starts trying to manage the experiences of LK-me from a worldly perspective. “What do you mean you want to be closer to God? God is already with you all the time. Chill, kiddo.”
As a flesh-and-blood little kid I did understand that the really important people in my life — mostly grown-ups — had parts of their lives that I didn’t know about. I knew they had thoughts, feelings, desires, concerns, wishes, hopes … the constellation of things that made them who they are … that they didn’t, and probably couldn’t, share with me as a little kid. And I remember feeling an intense longing to know the people I loved better, including the parts of them that were outside of my understanding.
That’s kind of how LK-me is feeling about God. The Bible tells me that God wants me to keep seeking to know Him better and there are ways of doing that — Reading His Word, for one. Prayer, for another.
I do those things … a lot. But if anything the longing seems to grow stronger, not weaker. It’s not a head thing — it’s something like a spiritual ache (yet another one of those things that I don’t really have the vocabulary to express).
I’m thinking I really need to dwell more fully within my Little Kid self. LK-me is more accepting of this longing: (“It is what it is. Use it as energy.”) Read. Study. Pray. Listen. Watch. Learn. Grow. Play. Those are the things that Little Kids should be doing anyway.
My worldly detours toward assessment and judgement are a contaminant (“Am I doing this right? Is there something wrong with me?”) and I need to protect LK-me from their interference with my Little Kid-ness.
Longing for God is real. Go with it.